i didn't tell anybody i will probably tell charlotte what's wrong with march 23rd? ok so all but intercourse... why do i need to know this? scare them all, they shouldn't be eating at such a place then again, i'm not sure you should be working there oh, you're allowed to tell me to quit my job too i met some born again pamphlet hander outer just before that, he gave me a couple flyers, and i kept walking and as i looked decided i wanted to talk to him, we talked for an hour in the freezing cold. i tried to tell him how lonely i was, he told me exactly what i've heard my whole life. it made me think about it more, but i still do nothing. i don't know what's wrong with me i know this is the way but... what? i don't know i used love accent again, i thought it was gone, but i was taking a french lesson from ashley, and she made me use the back of my throat to say an r and it made me go into a whole russian shpeel i need an eternity i feel bad, i enjoyed our romantic times together so much the internet just doesn't cut it i used to enjoy you on her soo very much, but it feels nothing, scary? i am i don't know why i tell you this, here i hope you feel great well it is great in a way, but still kick me I really want to know you, all of you there are so many things that are nothing i've never dabbled then again it scares me how can i love someone with such different paths to everyday life, i think i've found the best one, to the best of my ability, and here's a wonderous gal going way different yipe i do love the girls, i wouldn't pursue anyone unlovingly they're great people, i was just so desparate i wanted to do my best to get some kind of chance to be anything i could for them, someone to be my real friend. so maybe none of them are worth a romantic try, but i definately do owe them my friendship, and that's fine. I don't think you can know that i am as convinced, because i'm not convinced. I mean when you're locked in my eyes and we do our things... it seems like it can't be meant to be any other way than that, but all else just strikes me with doubt. maybe i can find your place, and this will bring rest to my worries i would've liked to work the other way around, but i guess that's not how you operate, and it's done we'll change, but there isn't much going all the way back as for me and other girls... just think about it as me and other guys they're just people people are people think about that then it'll be smooth like anus honest like a brand new window chomping through the snow in a one-tongued jrarr and yay over the love we go, grasping all the way heart tugs they ring fling making smiles bright oh what fun it is to lick your nostrils tonight ohhhh love love love, love love love, love love love, love love ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: KRS10 Date: Jan 18, 2005 10:21 PM I didn't tell anyone else... I will probably tell Karen that alphabet story, and that's all. I said that it was my second to last story to Caleb so that you would be assured that he heard many wonderful stories before that one. and OH does caleb understand!! Ashley and Caleb had a no kissing policy until she's 19 - she turns 18 on March 23rd (the accursed day for... reasons..... grrrrr i dislike that day) ... anyway that totally screwed that rule up almost as far as they could without having intercourse. WHOA HOA HOA What news happened upon me tonight and how did my jaw drop when I heard this!!! Rarr!! And no, i wasn't scaring any customers in drive-thru. It was strictly on counter. A bunch of them are my buddies who are fairly regular... So it is fun for them to be filled in on my life a bit. They fill me in on stuff too. I like hearing juicy life details about kids and grandkids from old people especially. haha shorts in cold rules. Skirt man story is funny too. I like. Rarrr i was using love accent a bit less today too. This makes me sad. I am scared of forgetting. I have so little to tie my memories of you into the rest of my life, and it seems like a dream to remember sometimes. . . THE best dream EVerrrrrrrrr which is great because it wasn't a dream so yay best weekend everrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I don't know about needing the weekend to be loved. I do know I needed to get out of routine for a little bit of an escape. I think it helped to have someone that made it so incredibly enjoyable as well... Something/one lovely to think about now. and what i meant about the second half of the year kind of wearing me out - not only with the two jobs, but with all of the ed stuff in august - and then him becoming my un-friend in the fall took me a while to get over, my dad dying... many things.. so many changes and things to handle I have found, but I've been fine... still a bit of life enhancement never hurt. Your mom is sweet. On the topic of love... I didn't mean that the only thing that sets us apart is romantic love. It is that I care about you aboundingly, and we match up together and play and have fun like some crazy fool dreamed up a perfect world and somehow we were placed into it. Or... it's kind of how it occured to me. I just think that indeed you can care about people and bring them close enough to your heart where you love them, but you still have no interest in being more than friends with them. For you and I, I find myself believing that I have so much of that kind of love for you that it splashes over the edge of the friend love pool and starts to flood my ground of sanity.... it starts to fill up and make me love you romantically too, and soon I may drown in it. ......but i have friends and family who can play in my pool with me and we have fun. :D Anyway, if you do not love these girls as more than friends, than you should not lead them to believe so.. and you should not lead yourself to believe that you should necessarily give it a try... but if you think you might love them, then you should not hold back for my sake. That would not make me happy. It would make me happiest if you were happy to be with me.... But mostly I just want you to be full of joy with or without me. I get along fine. ENOUGH OF THIS TALK! I am sick of thinking like this. If I continue I will become very sick with tears and my nose will bleed so much from over blowing my nose that I will bleed to death. I think peter said it best, "PeterRabid9: i can't wait for the day i feel ill about a girl again." This is fantastic. I can't even imagine that you would ever need to doubt my feelings just as long as you know how much I miss you. Hakuna matata: I wish I could know that you were as convinced of this love as I have become, but regardless, the best I can do is to show you my love and hope for the best. For today, I live for today, and I guess it's silly to worry for tomorrow.. and I love you so so much in today. Oh and also, I didn't mean that I would've been more intimate with you around others if I had been more comfortable with them.... this is more like it: You hate lying.... You don't like acting... But until I am comfortable with someone really, I cannot show my entire self... although I do not act like someone that I am not- it's still hard to all the way come out. Those are people that are important to you, so it becomes very important to me that I leave them with an okay impression....... It requires me to get to know them a bit better before I can interact with them the way I would with my friends and family ..... and customers and residents.. It's a completely new environment to me, new people, and it would take me a bit of time before I find my place in it. This is just another reason why we need to work on our friendship zone. . . I want to expand with everything that is important to you. I'd like to involve you in all the things and people I care about too. But I really do think it will be a bit of time before we can open up to that degree - even though our intimacy opened up right away. Yes I think that portion of love will take some time even though other portions were immediate. You think? I was much more reserved than I would normally be with people. Anyway I'm sorry if I didn't address your situations as I maybe should have, it's something that is hard for me to think about, and I did my best to relate to it..... You can understand that It's not enjoyable for me to think of you and other girls? It's just enjoyable that you are honest with me. Huggage to the highest degree opposite of the weather outside is frightful but the fire inside's delightful canada's where i'd like to go love you so, love you so, love you so kristen ------------------------------------------- phew, most of yours was stories, i don't think there's much to say in response to that, here goes choo so he knew i was dead, i hope he understands, still i would probably rather that wasn't a favourite tale of yours to tell, yikes. second to last? what does that have to do with anything? so you were scaring the customers who came through the drive-thru? whaa, yes you get them to never come back again, goood job! We still have the same snow, but it is souper freezing cold, I wore shorts today, and it was nice, mmm, my legs died, it feels neat. and my professor laughed at me. some homeless dude on the street conversed with me about my skirt the other day. at first he didn't like it, but he finally said i guess it's alright once i explained the situation... ie. why i wear choochooo i'm glad you have the photobooth photos and not me, i do not care to look at them. i don't know, i'm getting less confused when talking now, but i still half the time use loveaccent you needed the weekend to be loved? you have the pyschoist busy life i've ever seen, and here i am lazy mcpoosalot, still unmotivated to twitch my rear. i don't know, mom only said these things after finding out from sister of love. but still i suppose she wouldn't say such things and not mean them, it just seems funny to me that nothing prior was mentioned. You know you're a great gal, of course she wouldn't shame you. so the only thing you say is different... is the romantic love? the only thing i wish to make smaller, and work on what i don't feel we have enough of? yipe, this sounds scary to me if that is all, it doesn't convince me in the least and i don't see how it would help me do something about my two main issuesgals i provided you with. indeed it would make things much stronger if i gave them chance and made it past loving you even more. not a serious chance, but see how we can go about building just a little more than what is already there (we is i and them) so... you are saying we can still love others though we are in love? that leaves a dangerous situation i'd say i wish to be absolutely confirmed all the way with one, and absolutely sure the rest aren't possibilities, before completing the love confirmation oh i like that one half sentence, so many escape routes, it's hilarious... trying to say, if you love, as much as, pretty sure, probably, foreverish I agree you would know the one you would rather marry, but you can't find these things out until you find out certain things about people, a weekend with you thrusted you into the marriage category, but then again i don't know what a weekend with any other could do and how you'd compare when that happened. i do think i'm pretty sure no one will be as perfect as you intimately, but there are other things than that that worry me, so i have one extreme, and the other side opposes, but not as extremely as the first side is good. as for our action together when with other people. i wasn't speaking of anything close to intimacey when around them, i was just talking about how you act, not towards me, but just on the whole. i don't know, i don't find myself loving who you are as much at all as i love who you are with me so perfectly. err, yes as i said, my situations don't really feel addressed, but i don't know, i think i guess i know what i'll do with them. i'll email her back tonight, and em'lay will just continue as per usual, without major love talk that i would usually dish out. thanks for your time, love for sharrrr lets make marrr your love, jrarrr ----------------------------------------------- From: KRS10 Date: Jan 18, 2005 2:32 PM Caleb, haha, he knew of the alphabet after many other stories were told.. and he knew the funny part about it which was that you were half asleep and were not so much aware. That was my second to last story for him. OH and because he was talking to Ashley on the payphone out between lobby doors, and it was slow last night, Dan and I would JUMP OUT in front of the window and RARRRRRR and smash against window and startle..... and then i jumped out and he was looking towards the outside window so we ran around out the back door and SMASH BODY AGAINST outside window BOOM BAM! I don't like YAM!! Body SLAM! he laughed, and I illustrated what falling in love was when I was between the doors with him. by falling. And ooooo cracking my head lovingly on the corner of the window. This had been planned to make him worry, and it worked, and it made a loud noise, though it did not hurt so much. We have pretty good amounts of snow at the moment, this means I shovel and then walk to work in the brr brr, but first i will give good squeeze to berr berr so that i may remember warmth when I leave on my escapades. I ought to have a good romp today or tomorrow.. full of Wheee and WHOOMP diving into snow places. The bus driver put on the movie after I was done with my many hours of napping. :D good timing indeed!! haha, photobooth photos... I had forgotten all about them, and then reached into my sweatshirt pocket, and pulled them out, and had a good long chuckle with them. And last night, indeed, I spent the whole night at work thinking of you and talking funny and being oh so silly..... more like... who I seemed to be before leaving for europe in fact. Caleb said he thought I needed the weekend. I gave that comment a good session in my brain, and it's true perhaps that such things that happened over the last half of the year of 2004 may have worn on me. BUT SO MUCH GOOD HAS HAPPENED TOO so I haven't been unhappy, I'd just been less.... well.... less clownish. RARRRRRRRRR ANd That's just NOT right!!! Because that enhanced me times a million - inside I felt it going babump babump and making me smile and be proud of myself. Now that we've been able to get the ball rolling again with clowning, and things like finding you, and so on - i am feeling less bombarded with potholes. this makes me happy to tears. Your mom is awesome. I am happy to hear that when she was told of love she didn't say, "Whaaaaaaaaat?! NOT HER!!!!! JRARR You have the worst taste evARRRRRRRRrrrrrr!!" Yayay hahaa. that would've been on the terrible side of life. kekekekeke There is this difference that I find between those people who are Sooooooooooo cool, and you. Jay and I were talking about this the other day, so we will use jay as an example. We have had this ongoing interest in eachother for years, and we tried dating once, but it was difficult at that time. I think it would be easier now... and he is one of my best friends.. Second or third best in fact- I don't know whether he is above or below erika. Probably above I have decided. Erika and I have mostly a fun friendship but with some very honest truths of who we are, but Jay and I seem to find so much fun in very honest truths of who we are. The dynamic is interesting that way. I think you are at the same friend level as him, but at the top of the love list..... because you're the only one on it since no one else compares. Now I will tell you why using jay as my example. I think that the reason that he and I have never been able to leave our hunches of interest aside is that we have come to love eachother to a degree. Love to me is a complete acceptance of another person, cherishing even their flaws and quirks, and I believe that we do just that. but even though we come that far, our actual personalities are not the kind that click for eternal amounts of romantic love. I can dabble with the idea of dating him, kissing and cuddling even, but it ends up feeling awkward even in a fantasy world. So this is the conclusion that we came to this week while talking about this: There are those whom you would date, and those whom you would marry. Even though there are interests, there is a very clear line for me right now between others and you..... telling me that I do not want anyone else. I was not always so sure of myself. I had to double check. When I had fallen in love with Ed, my first love - Ryan - came back from the Air force for christmas. At it turned out, we clicked as naturally as we had when we were dating before... I discovered that we had dated at such a time in our adolescence that we actually molded a lot of eachothers personalities. Senses of humour, some of the talking style, indeed even the kissing style. Now, ed and I weren't technically together - I just loved him - so I had the freedom to venture into what could be with Ryan. We had a good night of cuddles and smooches... This night that I set on a fancy shelf far above Rodrigo's shelf in a special place that falls under those who I would marry. Confusion overtook me because I will probably always love Ryan, but what I really wanted was to see what COULD BE with my current love, instead of returning to what I knew was a beautiful thing with a past love... Example two while I was with ed is diego... this was easter of last year when Diego had finally returned... It was chibs fest and we all spent the night over at chibs and bergles' house. Myyyyyyyyy how romantic this became!! This person, so compatible with me, so fun - we had an excellent time resisting the urge to kiss for the sake of me loving ed... who I was still not technically with. but then whoop it sneakily wooshed up to our lips and so we exchanged a few that night... And we watched the sunrise and talked so much and it was pleasing by far- but when it came down to it, I still wanted to sacrifice this possible future love to the Ed who had taken my heart. (Oh but for the sake of comparison - that withheld kiss, when paid off, made me quite giddy for some amount of time..... but your withheld kiss, when paid off, makes me think i will either die or live forever. Do not think yourself in the same ball field, or even the same country that they are playing ball in. ) Love comes with much confusion and sometimes sacrifice. I think that if you want to stay with me, you will know these things, but I don't expect that you will not leave behind other feelings for other people. Being in love seems to open me up ,making it possible for me to care about more people in a more copious kind of way... because it makes me say, "HELLO WORLD I LOVE YOU AND EVERYTHING IN YOU!" It does not make me say, "WORLD YOU ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO JRARRMY." okay it makes me say world you are nothing compared to jrarrmy a little bit, but mostly it is - WORLD I LOVE YOU!! I find it easier to love my friends. hahaha you just found the candy that I hid. So I am really bad at summarizing. But what I am really trying to say is that if you love me as much as I am pretty sure that I have come to love you, you will probably end up sticking around foreverish,but if you must keep your options open, and venture in possibilities - i think that the strength of our love will determine the outcome. I think at some point you just know the difference between someone whom you would date and someone whom you would marry, and if there is more than one person whom you might marry, would you would rather marry is usually a very obvious choice. And on the topic of you and I loving eachother so much intimately when it is the two of us.... and not as much with mom or dan..... Indeed I am afraid to show my feelings for you in front of these people, because I am not accustomed to them - and because I don't know how you would prefer our relationship to be with other people around.. I think it takes a while for me to find a place of comfort where everything is totally honest... I felt like I was hiding just a little bit from them...... oh just a little bit... These things would disappear in time, but it would require time for these tetris pieces to fall into place - even though we've found already that you and I fit perfectly by ourselves. Yes oh i am the master of analogy once again we tetris pieces you and i fit perfectly from the get go, but it takes a bit of maneuvering and time before the rest falls into line, and the line goes POOF YOU win and you're in love and everyone is hap hap happy!! I don't know if my examples and speak of loves helped at all with your situations. I want so badly to be greedy for you and call you mine only, but I couldn't expect these things from you. If through all this you feel like you WANT to possibly give them a try, then you shouldn't be stopped. But if you don't really want to, then sheesh, you must be honest with them, yes? and you ask what bad thing happened? Rarr I still don't want to talk about it in message. I don't think mike can be myf riend anymore, or he at least needs a break. More on that at some other point in time, but not in message style. Jrarrrrrrrrrrrr I love yarrrrrrrrrrr mmmmm things and tetris potholes kristen ----------------------------------------------- You told him of the alphabet!?!! eek, you make me shiver that was the lowest of my lows i had no idea what i was doing possibly this is why one does not sleep near another until certain things have been confirmed for in the half dreaming state all of anything can come out to haunt you. so you have lots of snow? neat stuff, you can build forts and tunnels and create an undersnow cavern of jerfasaness hah smooshed face eh, I don't think I saw that effort, oh well, I do think it was you, on that part of a second glance weeeeee so the bus driver put on a movie late at night when you want to sleep and not during the whole rest of the ride when you are bored galore? oh my although it would be great practice to rhyme throughout such a difficult and long letter, i fear i would have to offer you three times more the time to think up each one and get it out. i think now i'd rather just get as much love back and forth as possible. keep the rhyming on the side in comments or smaller emails and such. well since you have all these friends to tell and I do not, i just was showing pictures to random people who probably did not care about m'love. some new girl who sits behind me in art class was shown many photos, hah, so neat hahaaaa you handed customers those nasty photobooth shots? oh dear, i grrrrrrrufff you chompchompchomp I didn't tell my mother of the love until I think my sister had squealed out the news to her. She didn't seem clued in until after my sister phoned her i think. then she started this whole shpeel about what a wonderful gal you were and how great you were for me and so on... but you only did spend mcdonalds on me right?... so it was good so far anywho, choo choo or she just means do not get carried away in future rarrrf good. I don't know how you separate the soooooooo coool guys from me, I cannot see the difference. Just like in my own life and the soooo coooool gals, they're all the same coolness level, I cannot separate which I like as friends and which would qualify for more, I'm no good at that at all, I lack any kind of experience in determining such things. maybe you can be my determiner. speaking of such I wish to tell you I yam scared. ok this is the deal, when you and i are together alone, i find you so absolutely perfect for me in so many ways. you sing with me what no one would ever sing, everything like that matches and makes me so amazed, you lick you chomp you hug to death, i do not think i would ever be able to find this anywhere else. so i say, it must be true that me and you are forever to be together. then it comes to multiperson experiences, with dan or mom what goes on in that style and when we are not lovers so close, i do not feel the same way for though it is still extremely neat, and i get scared that i do not love you enough, and i say how can you seem so absolutely full of love, when it must work both ways between us due to the differences that appear when we are not close lovers. ok and second part of scaredness... as you probably or should know, love is all i have searched for for quite some time, it was pursued vigorously with enormous efforts put in to everyone i ever met, just to see if i could make a love if they see who i am. so now everything hits at once, i yam in luff with you. and then em'lay says she loves, and i do dearly love her, but i do not think we are as such lovers would be, i really don't know, i said i'd give her a chance when she said she felt quite threatened by krs10. i said what are the chances we fall in love on weekend, little did i know i am a great fool; and this precisely happened. i am stuck, i really need to give her what i said i would, but i really don't want to try to love two. i have commited myself to you. and it seems that is all i'll ever need to do. so there is her, but wait, it all hits at once remember... so this kind clean unique gal back from highschool, i always did find her so neat, but i could never crack her shell, she does not open up to tell me anything, when we spend great amounts of time together we can't say a word ever, even the easy small topics have great difficulty. anywho, i went back to that school a few times a month to visit her among others, and maybe i give impression that she is loved dearly, which is true, but i show this to everyone. either way fact is, she emailed me on the weekend saying she was having regrets for always never saying what she felt and letting so many chances slip away. me being a dumdumface and not seeing through the letter and why it came to me, replied quite honestly and helpfully, which probably still was a good idea, i do not know, but i do think i sent some grand advice in response. the thing is the response encouraged her to email me back and say in poetic form to me what was pretty easy to decifer i am sure. i did tell her to be as hidden as possible but i guess she did not get that part of it. anywho, it went like this.... """""hey its funny.. today ive written more emails than i usually do in weeks.........but i want to send this now while its fresh from my head and before something stupid in said head stops me.....................so...... for you to read and decipher .................... between them, in the air, is something intangible that flirts with her heart before floating off because unspoken things are hard to define. left unknowing, she stands alone at the crest of a mountain, looking out at the world. but she's not thinking of the view or about how the sun reflects off of the water that looks like a sheet of glass from this height; her mind is afloat with the subtle breeze and she thinks about him. she wonders if their paths will cross again, if he'll stop here on this shaky plateau so they can share this view, watch the sun set, then rise, countless times and climb higher, together. a leaf falls to the ground beside her and she wonders if he stands on his own mountain, and does he ever look to the starry sky and think of her? ....................................ok... so now said, in a way..............until later.............................. andrea""""" ok so it's pretty obvious what she means correct? soooo, what the crap, i really want to friend this lady, i've been trying for so long to get her to talk, but now that she says something, all she says is she wants me? whaa i don't know, all she knows of me is personality, nothing of the heart i do not think, i suppose that is still enough. anywho, i just ask you what you think of all these, advise me dear lover. i think others also follow into the fall category, but we'll get to them when they come i suppose. so, i do think it was a shame of me to pursue so many people, but then if i did not do that i'm pretty sure you wouldn't be here. who knows, it doesn't seem right but it is right also. mmmm, there you have it. what bad has happened? yikes, you write and tell me everything else but leave out the most suspicious and rarful. humph these potholes seem serious, please share the big deal with me, i'm left with a bunch of road chunks in my mind and not what you really mean. ok, screeching halt, i found nothing to say more to that last unrevealing deal so, my greatest love to you choo you soon darling lovealovea i got you back goood, 1411 to 1036 BOOM ------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------ ah, wonderful late eh.. good thing I didn't wait I got 9 hours of sleep, and more slouched down in front of the computer dozed off. yay, still tired what were the bus hold ups? How could she ask were you in canada? who squealed? betrayaalllll did you tell her about love? heh customs man, what did he reply to your m'love statement? purrcoo I have a weird accent now, after the weekend my mind can't decide what to use. sometimes my normal voice, then lovetalk, then american pronounciation, and often even a confused mixed of them all. yipe you've turned my mind to mush so many of our pictures are blurry, but wonder still lives i fast forwarded to MUFASA ooOoooooahhhohah, do it again... in class today, and then ended up watching the rest of the film from that point, uhoh, 10 minutes were left to do the assignment, meh i did it verbally instead, i think it worked spooooons how is mr. spaintroy? did you have a good half day with him? i think i saw you through the bus window the last second before you poofippeared. yes? shhh mmm passion i yam scared very scared i'm sorry for no poem, i really want to be clear and get good response on such things or maybe i blow vroom scarejere ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: KRS10 Date: Jan 17, 2005 12:01 AM Jrarr!! I love yarr!! bus came in late hesitate til 2:30am to get home and when i did roam into my dorm my mom said, "were you in canada?" My reply, can you guess? I looked at her and I said, "..............Yesssss." The customs man asked what I had being doing, And I told him that it was m'love I had been wooing, and thinking of you i began purring and cooing, I looked at my slideshow of digital you, I gave cough medicine to spaniard named Troy, I thought of crying, while wondering what i shall do, without the company of a special boy and I thought myself so lucky at last to have a weekend that was such a blast and good intentions to continue (in a less physical fashion) this magnificent love between you and me the silliness and the passion :D ------------------------------------------------ i'm afraid i might chomp though i do not want i still have conflicting beliefs i still want to romp though i am taunt because of these reefs that stick out of our past not allowing boats to pass without treading lightly and oh the sights to see if you can get through and not discard poo everyone has their stuff how much do you accept for luff? i hope i don't too much i hope i won't have to do such and turn around and walk away i hope He says 'my boy, do stay' ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: KRS10 Date: Jan 12, 2005 08:58 PM Today i think that i may leak of joy! today's been magnifique, I cannot find the words, though I seek, to impress upon you this happiness peak! The clowns the clowns they run their rounds they run around the entire town or nursing home district with jubilant visits so fun so fun they're on the run getting so much loving done like a fun loving nun then of to home? NO! out with my stepmom to see a movie oh it was quite groovy we also sipped some glubs and chowed down some subs at home i did chores it wasn't too much of a bore, i layed down for a snore, hit me to the core, since i haven't slept in forever or more... got on to find you always so new fresh and exciting my whole evening highlighting!! though i do fear that after sighting things you do not love, you might be biting at the chomp to send hope kiting the hope that held the kites up originally between you and me that would be a sad thing to see. --------------------------------- kristrrarrrn i yam tired i go to bed kristraarrrn i love yarr come back quickly, hug jrarr i miss you i love you embrace yarr taste yarr deadrarr ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: KRS10 Date: Jan 13, 2005 10:18 PM give me some time to write back a rhyme tonight it is dooped because i'm so pooped x.x