From: KristRARRn Date: Feb 27, 2005 9:11 AM I think that is good. I also think that I hadn't slept the night before I wrote this - which doesn't make it an irrelevant feeling - but one that would normally remain latent. I suppose it's really not bad to have everything out in the open. but yeah i think we are supa strong dynamite people I've got no doubts that we can hold it down and hold on together through trivial bull crap and stay together for... as long as we're happy together, which appears like it could easily be forevrarr. i love yarrrrr. I've been on these sekf improvement kicks for quite a while where i really tackle something that i just cant respect about myself and attempt to resolve it... i've done a pretty good job - but digging through all of your baggage is like cleaning (in my house anyway) - the more you clean - the more things you see that really need to be cleaned. I wonder what people would be like if they reached a point where they just stopped growin... I assume a lot of people do that and then have mid life crisises... so constant evaluation and evolution is key, however frustrating when one can never be perfect i am a road block to myself until God returns and gets me out of my own way on the path to him baboom it's rewarding and scary to look at old journals and thoughts and see that i have changed so much. (scary because sometimes I don't recognize the author of something I wrote 3 years ago) i am just rambling.. thoughts on these things? Do things like this frustrate you too? ever find yourself falling down into the same holes of thoughts and actions that you're just ot proud of and wish you could be stronger, more faithful...? love my love hug my dARRRRling ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: Jeremy Date: Feb 25, 2005 04:13 AM i'm just trying to learn what you do and why and there's nothing wrong with a challenge you may have thought long and hard about these decisions, but i wasn't there and not convinced i don't even have to be convinced or need to have you convinced of my way just learning basically i don't see anything being able to pull us apart andi can handle every weak point, i wouldn't say these are weak points. just decisions you have made. pour it all love love ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: KRS10 Date: Feb 24, 2005 09:36 PM yeah i'm sorry i just get defensive moreso with you than with others because your opinion matters more than others and sometimes it's just such a blow that i have come so far and put so much behind me and it just seems inadequate sometimes it's like, i know i am clumsy and awkward it is used to my advantage as a clown, and i found my niche in feeling comfortable with it, but if i cause you pain i just feel bad because it's just who i am rarr all of my past is indeed part of who i am, because it has made me aware of who i want to become... i just hate the way, and this is NOT jrarr specific - i find something i am proud of and people do not see how important it is. I am proud of being a clown, and all the training i went through to be in the troupe, and all of the things i learned and ways that i grew ... but it's somehow so overlooked. I am proud that i do not drink or smoke weed or have sex or smoke cigarettes often or curse much - but when i do curse it is usually either in context or around people whom it does not matter to. I really don't think cursing is ''wrong'' seeing as it is just a bunch of syllables and has no meaning to pigmes who speak no english... it's only wrong if you use it to hurt someone or if you use it around someone who would indeed by offended... still i will quote things. But somehow i feel like it is the occasional curse or cigarette that is so noticable, and not the huge paradigm shift in my way of life. Proud of my band. Proud of how much like my dad I am - and proud of all of my stories. Proud of my songs. Proud of the fact that God loves me and made me the way he did, but not proud enough to not feel self conscious - especially when I think "Does my lover love me less because of pieces of who i am?" and of course i am becoming so attached to you you know i have go pour some negativity into you because if you are going to get pushed away now is the time oh ho ho insecurities have a good way of weeding out people who aren't strong enough to handle every weak point so yes i'm sorry i'm sometimes just defensive kristen